escaping

I am accustomed to escaping, even when I was young.

I seldom put forward a creative suggestion; I seldom say “let me do this” actively instead of just saying “OK, I will do it as you told me”; I always have no any corrections or more ideas for my laziness; moreover, I seldom catch the opportunities because I don’t take care of it.
“OK. I miss it. But it doesn’t bother me.” In fact, I am escaping.
There is an experience deep in my memory. My classmates and me were being gathered in the playground. “Be careful! The basketball!” I protected myself with hands immediately I hearing the sound, without knowing where the basketball was. A boy caught the basketball successfully in the screams of some girls. I put down my hands, and released for no one had noticed me.
“I don’t play basketball.”“It’s a kind of physical instinct, but not my fault.”“If I saw the ball……“……I tried to comfort myself, and convince myself that I had selected the most correct way, though a sound in my heart, “What a weak boy you are!”

Why am I escaping? Is something happening in my childhood affect me?
You see, I am still escaping from the truth of my weakness in character.

I escape from duties, from opportunities, from dangers.
But they should not be escaped from.
I think I am rational. But why couldn’t I force myself to face anything?
It is so important to face my heart bravely .

To be a brave man.

自小，我便有一个逃避的坏习惯。

从来我就不会主动提出组织什么活动；一团人商量事情看谁去干什么事的话，我也不会主动的说，“我来”，而只是被动的接受任务，“好的”；被问到“有什么意见和建议”，我也只是说“没有”，因为害怕得罪别人和被别人反驳；下决定的时候，我一般不会是下决定的那个人；看到有什么人围在一起，也不太会围上去，看看能够做什么，只是后来听说主动的人都有奖励，我也只是轻轻地，“哦”。
装作很淡然很不在意想着“命中注定没有嘛”之类，其实就是一种逃避。
我记忆中最深刻的是，有次，操场上，我们班的人在一堆，有人喊“小心篮球！”我还没有看清楚哪里来的篮球，就双手抱头，然后在几个女生的惊呼声之中，一个男生接住了飞过来的篮球避免它打到女生身上。我双手放下来，左右望了望，幸好，没有人注意我。
“唉呀，我不是打篮球的嘛，有这种反应很正常。”“唉呀那是一种生理本能反应而已。”“如果我看到那个球我肯定会去接的。”……后来我胡乱的想着安慰自己，为当时软弱的反应作出合理的解释。可是，我心中总有一个声音在嘲笑我：“你看你那个糗样！”

为什么我会逃避？我在逃避什么？我小时候受过什么刺激吗？
你看，我还是在逃避————想到“幼儿刺激”而不直接承认我性格本质上的软弱性质。

我逃避责任，逃避各种机会，逃避各种危险。
可是实际上责任总要承担的，机会是靠主动的，危险是直面之才能真正解决。
我明白各种事理，也自认是理性的人，可是，为什么我就是不能强迫自己直接面对呢？
最需要我直面的，恐怕是我的内心吧。
直面不想面对不愿面对的内心世界，直面那些难堪的记忆，直面那些龌龊的念头，勇敢面对，不再逃避。

成为一个勇敢的人。